


Untitled KuroKano Hurt/Comfort

by ibrokemymug



Category: Kagerou Project, Mekakucity Actors
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Fluff, Fluff is hard, How Do I Tag This, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, So much angst, poor Kano, that's new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28256340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibrokemymug/pseuds/ibrokemymug
Summary: In which Kano severely overthinks being hugged because he's Kano (this isn't even hurt/comfort anymore it's 12 thousand words of angst with a side of fluff-)
Relationships: Kano Shuuya/Snake of Clearing Eyes
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	Untitled KuroKano Hurt/Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> Over two months and this is all I have to offer *cries in unproductive writer*
> 
> This fic revolves around three things and three things alone: Kano's insecurity, text align, and my utter inability to type 3 specific words into a textbox without cringing at myself

_12:34 AM_

It was past midnight by now and he was probably supposed to be asleep. 

...Or maybe not. Usually he didn't fall asleep until around 2.

...And then he'd wake up early the next day irritable and he'd end up pissing someone off.

...Or everyone.

Well, whatever. That didn't matter. What mattered was that it was late now, and he was _probably_ supposed to be asleep right now.

But he wasn't. 

Because of _course_ things just couldn't be that simple.

He stared with half lidded eyes out at the wall in front of him, curled uselessly on his side. Outside, he could hear the buzz of rain hitting against the window and splashing on the ground.

There was slight shifting behind him, against his back. 

Ah, right. He'd almost forgotten that Saeru was there. He felt the snake lazily bury his head against his back as the arms around him wrapped just a little tighter.

He didn't even bother questioning the other about this kind of thing anymore. The snake would just drag him over and hug him whenever he felt like it. It didn't matter if he was trying to sleep, sitting around doing nothing, in the middle of talking to someone else, trying to run errands or standing in the middle of a store. He'd just sneak up to him whenever he pleased, usually at the cost of a few stares or odd glances from other people, but it didn't seem that he ever did or would care. 

Honestly, he was pretty sure that he, himself, didn't care that much anymore, either.

He was just too used to this by now. It was just something that Saeru did with basically no rhyme or reason. The most explanation he'd ever really gotten for _why_ he clung to him so much was simply that "I just like you, of course."

....And that wasn't exactly... helpful.

Oh well, it didn't matter why he did it. 

It was... nice, sort of, he supposed, feeling the snake sink his head deeper into the fabric of his shirt. 

Still, there was just something that felt almost _wrong_ about it that he could never shake off. 

He wasn't even sure what it was, but if he just ignored it hard enough, then he could just focus on the warmth instead, and let those thoughts recede back into the corners of his mind.

And that's what he did. He closed his eyes, letting the view of the blank wall before him disappear into the darkness as he tried focusing on the snake's presence pressed against his back. 

_1:15 AM_

It was a quarter past 1 and he still hadn't slept at all. And of course Saeru hadn't either. He almost never slept, much to his dismay. Who knows, maybe he would've gotten sleep easier if he _didn't_ know that the snake was awake basically watching him at all times? He wasn't sure.

It's not really like he _needed_ to be watched at all times, either. He wasn't a kid anymore, after all.

He finally opened his eyes, the dark blank wall greeting him once again. His gaze slid lazily downwards at the hands and arms around him. 

He'd felt it earlier, when he was trying so hard to fall asleep. He'd felt Saeru lift his face from off his back to rest his chin on his head instead, curling around him with a slight, soft sigh. 

Ah, maybe this was just going to be another one of those days where he wouldn't get any sleep at all. 

Maybe it wouldn't be that bad, he hadn't experienced one of those in a while. 

He continued staring out ahead as the drizzle of rain picked up.

_1:17 AM_

It was only two minutes later that his mind decided to wander.

He considered getting up, to leave his room and the snake's grasp only to realize that he probably, really shouldn't. Especially since, of course, Saeru was just going to insist on being basically latched onto him at all times. Most attempts at getting up would usually only result in Saeru going out of his way to make sure he didn't sneak out, or him making a fuss and going on his spiel about how he "required sleep to function" or whatever.

Or, who knows, maybe he just _didn't_ like it when they weren't basically glued together into a singular entity. Maybe because of warmth or something. He's a snake, right? He almost laughed a bit, thinking of Saeru being attached to him over the entirety of the winter. He recalled from within the heaps of useless pieces of information in his mind that reptiles usually needed heat lamps if they were to be kept as pets. Maybe he was like a heat lamp.

Or was it something else? 

Eh. Didn't matter. What mattered was that that he was still hugging him, and as always, he still didn't know why. He shifted slightly, uncomfortably, just a bit forward to put _just a bit_ more space between them but Saeru dragged himself up closer to him anyway, like some kind of magnet. He almost rolled his eyes as he felt the other's chin settle on the top of his head again.

Maybe he just had something about him that the snake liked? 

Ah, nah, that couldn't be it.

He didn't have any redeeming qualities. 

Just briefly, he considered asking Saeru himself, but he quickly reminded himself that he wouldn't get very far from that. The last time he'd asked, Saeru just said that _thing_ again about how it was him that he liked, but that didn't exactly tell him anything. For all he knew, it could just be another "Kano" that he was talking about. 

Ah wait, but it couldn't be that either. 

The snake always saw through that. He always saw through the Eyes, through _him_ , every single time, without fail.

It was kind of annoying, actually.

It was annoying, sure, but it wasn't nearly as annoying as it was just downright _confusing_. Hell, Saeru would hardly even bother with him if he knew he was lying to his face. He only barely tolerated how he had his ability up during every waking hour. 

"You don't need your Deceiving Eyes, Shuuya. Or at the very least you don't need them every _moment_ , or more than necessary," is what he'd said a couple times, but it just _didn't_ _make any sense_ and he swore the thought itself was just going to give him a headache.

Saeru probably just didn't realize how _badly_ he needed them.

Or maybe he was the problem, for depending on them too much?

That made sense, too.

Not that he would probably ever be able to bring himself to admit it out loud, or make any moves to fix that.

He almost laughed again, this time at himself, imagining all the complete and utter disasters that would probably come with such a thing.

Ah, and what would Saeru think of him then?

...

Actually, what _about_ Saeru?

As if in response, he could feel the snake make another small shift behind him. His gaze dragged down to the other's arms as he thought about it for a moment.

Well, he _did_ say he didn't _need_ them. Hell, sometimes he even had the nerve to say that it would be more convenient, or that it would be better sometimes if he didn't have them. 

Kinda made him question what that meant about him currently.

...

If he didn't have his Eyes....

But would that _really_ still apply if he actually went through with something like that? 

Probably not. 

It was just that Saeru didn't get it. Besides, imagining something is way different from actually experiencing it, right?

Yeah, that was it. 

Maybe it was just his appearance, and not him, himself. He personally didn't think he was relatively close to anything that could be considered attractive, by any means, and his face really only looked decent because of these Eyes. 

But then again, beauty is " _subjective"_ or whatever. 

The snake just had flawed judgement.

That was all. Or at the very least, pretty _low_ standards. 

He was just a snake, after all, what did he know?

...

Still though....

That still wouldn't explain why he was so tired of him lying.

Huh. That was gonna be kinda hard to think about.

Well, obviously everyone was tired of it in general, so why wouldn't the snake be?

He was probably just on his last nerves by now, he supposed. Guess it made sense, since he was stuck with him all the time now. 

Still though, he wasn't exactly _mad,_ or _disappointed._ It just wasn't that same disapproval that everyone else had, when he made yet another jab at Shintaro for reasons he couldn't explain, or when he neglected to do basically anything for an entire day out of complete randomness, or when he went out walking and wearing his boots down for an entire night for the fifth day in a row for God knows why. 

Nah. It was more like... frustration. 

...Which was a bit of a half-assed observation, he scolded himself. Frustration was basically just a slightly more extreme and angered version of disappointment and disapproval.

...But no, there was still just something _different_ about the way Saeru tried to put up with his "antics" or whatever. Like there was some kind of urgency or need that he needed to deal with but just couldn't quite _get past._

Gee, wonder whose fault that was.

 _Point being_ , the snake just didn't made sense. Which wasn't really a surprise, since he was already a mystery enough, but it didn't at all change the fact that it was just so _difficult_ to wrap his head around _,_ to the point of it being downright disorienting, with how the snake could _tolerate_ him but not his _Eyes_ even though he thought those two things we _re_ _basically supposed to go hand in hand,_ which was probably part of why he'd never be able to be a not-nuisance to anyone and everyone around him.

He could see it all, when there was just a _bit_ more ridicule in the way they rolled their eyes, or that _slight,_ pressing, insistent _tone_ in Saeru's voice when he tried _running_ and _lying everything away_ like a _coward_ for the third time that _day_ , or when there was just a _bit_ more force in Kido's fist or Seto was giving him _that look again_ that just told him that he was being stupid again and that he should just _stop it and stop it already_ \- 

Beside him, Saeru huffed out a small sigh.

He flinched slightly, against the pillows, feeling a sudden weight on his shoulder as the snake rested his head against it. He stole a quick glance at him, just briefly catching a glimpse of Saeru's half-lidded, red eyes, before he closed them with an almost content look.

Content? That didn't seem right at all. 

Maybe he should look back again-

Nah, that wasn't necessary.

He just wasn't looking clearly. It was dark, anyway. He redirected his eyes over at the wall instead, letting his gaze go unfocused as he ignored what he thought _might_ have _possibly_ been a glint of red in the corner of his eye, and what _could_ have possibly been eyes looking half lidded in his direction.

In the stillness, he could hear the rain outside. It was a bit louder now, almost drowning out and smothering the soft sounds of breathing that would usually fill the silence.

Ah, all this talk about Saeru or lying or whatever was just really confusing, huh?

Maybe he should stop before his brain started hurting.

Or he started losing brain cells over all these _simple_ things.

What _other_ interesting stuff was there to think about?

...

...

...He wasn't sure.

It was warm in the room, a bit excessively so because of a certain _snake_ wrapped around him, but he shivered slightly anyway, for reasons that his brain couldn't quite place.

Guess he really had nothing, huh?

Maybe that was for the best, though, because at this rate, he was probably going to end up giving himself a nightmare before he even fell asleep.

Back to blankly staring at a blurry wall it is, then. 

The snake idly reached a hand up to run through his hair, and this time it was him who was sighing, maybe just a _bit_ contently.

Maybe a bit too contently. 

He saw what might've been the snake's eyes closing from the edge of his vision as the other burrowed his head against his back.

Ah, it would've been pretty nice if he could've fallen asleep like this, though he was confident by now that sleep just wasn't going to come to him today.

....

It would be nice if he could stay like this forever. 

But that's a stupid idea.

For several reasons, actually.

He quickly reminds himself of that before he can get too hopeful.

Remember what happened _last time_ he wished that? 

Of course.

How could he forget?

Besides, his wishes have already all been used up, from the moment he died all those years ago. Not that it mattered, this one was a selfish one anyway. 

And it's not like it was his choice either.

It was all up to the snake if he'd be able to stay here like this, simply unmoving in time.

And the answer to if he could was "no", he already knew.

Still though, it was a nice thought. A somewhat comforting one. If not forever, it would've at least been nice to be able to stay here like this for just a little while....

...Ah, well, he wouldn't have to worry one, at least, because that was up to Saeru, too, and he knew Saeru would probably just stay here like this for as long as he wanted. 

...Which would probably be a long time. 

Usually until he finally got the other to let go of him already, or the snake decided he had to go back to "attending his errands" or whatever.

Honestly, he'd think it would get pretty boring to just lay around for what could sometimes be hours on end, doing basically nothing, since the snake basically never slept, but he wasn't complaining. Not completely at least.

At least it made him feel a bit better. And it was nice, he supposed. Nice enough to the point where he could usually stand just laying around for a few hours, too. 

That or he was just being incredibly selfish.

Really selfish.

As per usual.

Well, _whatever._

He was pretty sure the snake didn't really care.

...Probably.

Actually, he wasn't sure at all.

He wasn't sure until that ridiculous idea of his was further solidified by the feeling of a hand in his hair moving from his head to wrap back around his sides. 

...

...Huh.

For someone who complains about being bored so much, it was kinda surprising that the snake wasn't bored of _this_ already, huh?

Bored of c _li_ ngi _ng_ onto him all the time.

Especially after, what, thousands of timelines? Well, that's what Saeru said anyway. 

It was probably just an exaggeration.

Still though, maybe it meant something about him. Surely the fact that Saeru could even stand to be around him for so long meant something, right? 

At the thought, he gazed at the snake's arms around him, obscured by the darkness.

Maybe....

Half-consciously, he clutched at the other's hand.

R _ig_ ht?

...

Or maybe it was just something about the other versions of him, which were all dead now.

...

...

....Ah.

The other versions of- _no,_ the _other hims...._

He'd never really bothered to ask Saeru about those before. Not that they really mattered that much, since they were all dead now and all that, but he still couldn't help but wonder about them every now and then.

How different were they from him? 

What was it about them that brought him to the situation he was in now? 

What did Saeru see in them? 

What did they feel when they died?

How did they die?

_What was it like?_

Guess he wouldn't have to wait too long to get the answer to that one.

Oh well. In the end, he didn't really need the answers anyway. Like he said, they were all dead. Their existences didn't matter.

And he was going to die too. 

And then the same would go for him. 

...

...

...

How much did Saeru care about those other timelines or whatever? 

E _h_. 

He rarely talked about them, so probably not very much.

Well, it was less rarely talking about them and more like he just changed the subject, or turned it into some weird half-direct observation about him whenever he tried to ask about them.

 _"It's nothing to worry about,_ Shu _uya_."

 _"Let's just say you're... a bit more troublesome_ _than_ la _st_ ti _me.  
...Not that that means anything _bad _about you_ now. _"_

 _"Believe me, it's simply_ no _ne of your_ con _cern."_

 _"Really, that would be_ irr _elevant to_ ta _lk_ _about now."_

 _"...Ah, you really did_ l _ie so much_ le _ss back then, though.  
Oh, well."_

 _"_ I _t's_ re _ally_ no _t as big of an issue as you think_ _,_ Shu _uya,_ y _ou_ d _on't need_ t _o_ wo _rry yourself over it_ s _o_ m _uch."_

....Huh.

Well that still didn't really give him a good answer at all.

Funny that Saeru thought that he was _"worrying"_ about it. There was nothing to worry about all that.

It was just him dying.

He'd just die, disappear, and be forgotten for someone else, simple as that, right?

Well, no... he wasn't going to _"just die,"_

he was going to be killed instead!

And then he'd just be like another corpse in the pile, right? 

And then the snake would just-

Wait, shit, he was worrying about it, huh?

Dammit. Well, he wasn't _worrying_ about it. He was just being stupid and thinking about it too much and making it too complicated. 

Sounded like an excuse.

Probably because it was.

Ah, this was getting too complicated. 

Point was, he was dying. Nothing to worry about. 

It could've been convenient, he thought, for the others.

But, nah, it just couldn't be that simple or that easy. 

...Because they were going to die, too.

He bit his lip, curling just a _bit_ more in on himself as he continued to stare at the space beyond the wall before him. 

Don't think about it too much.

_"Don't think about it too much."_

Of course, he didn't listen.

Which was probably part of why it would've been more inconvenient for everyone else if he was killed in the first place.

Because hell, when did he ever listen anyway?

He never listened to Kido, well, at least he didn't until she started getting genuinely annoyed, which wasn't as common as an occurrence as he'd like to assume.

Hm. She should get annoyed at him more often. It would've been a weird sounding thought to anyone else, yeah, but, well, he wasn't exactly _wrong._

He was pissing her off, everyone else, too, aside from Saeru, actually, and he didn't know how she possibly managed to tolerate him. Maybe she was just more mad than she was letting on, and he was basically forcing her to hold back.

Yeah, that made more sense. 

It wasn't like he could blame her for being so mad. Quite the opposite, actually. After all.... 

_Oh God not again...._

he was always screwing up all the time. At everything. 

Everyday.

Con _stan_ t _ly_. 

A _ll_ t _he_ ti _me._

Guess he just couldn't get enough of fucking everything up, huh? 

_..._

After all, he could do that without even trying. Hell, it's been what he's been doing all his life, right? By now, it might as well just be a hobby!

Or a habit?

Well, either way, it was just something he couldn't stop, huh?

It's j _ust_ wh _at_ h _e_ do _es_.

Right, how could he for _get?_

_Ahah...._

He couldn't get anything done, he wasn't getting anywhere, hadn't moved _anywhere at all_ from where he was _before_ or made any progress whatsoever, and the helplessness of it all was just giving him this sinking feeling that he just _couldn't shake off if he thought about it too much or for too long and God the feeling of it all was just going to drive him mad at some point, wasn't it?_

He didn't realize he'd started breathing a little hard until the snake shifted again. It wasn't much, just a small movement, probably out of discomfort, but it was enough to momentarily distract him anyway. 

The sound of rain hitting against the window was steadier now, growing louder.

_Man, he really needed to get out of here._

It was just feeling a little stuffy in here, that was all.

It was pretty hot, too. Probably since Saeru had basically insisted on throwing blankets on him, along with himself, due to the weather and the cold.

Some fresh air might be nice.

...

Ah...

With a half lidded gaze he realized that he was squeezing the other's hand way too tightly, digging his nails into it. Saeru probably wasn't even bothered by it, or at least couldn't really feel anything from it, and his hands were shaking with an uncertainty that he couldn't get rid of but still he let go anyway, leaving the snake room to wrap tighter around him until his arms were basically pinned at his sides. 

...

Speaking of Saeru.... 

Was he still-

"..Shuuya....." 

_Fuck he screwed up._

He froze. He stayed like that, laying tensed and wide-eyed for just a few seconds, waiting until he finally realized that the snake wasn't actually continuing any further. 

He risked a glance, turning with the little space he had to peer behind him.

....

_1:38 AM_

It was twenty-two minutes before he'd usually go to sleep that the snake finally passed out.

Funny, hadn't he been thinking just a bit earlier about how he didn't sleep?

And here he was, wide awake and feeling like he shouldn't be able to sleep for at least a few days, despite how his eyes stung, while the snake slept soundly

Guess he was just wrong, as always.

The snake was lying against him, the usual, but this time his head was buried against his neck as he slept, snoring lightly. He could hear the other's evened out, steady breathing over the rain, and feel his heartbeat as his grip loosened by several degrees.

Perfect.

...

...

He just needed some fresh air. 

That was all, he just... needed to go out for a bit. 

Slowly, _painstakingly slowly_ he reached down to pry the snake off him. He pulled carefully at his arms, gently so the other wouldn't wake up, until finally he could at least fully extend his arms. Silently, he kept dragging and inching them away from him until at last he was able to shift slightly away, just enough to put some distance between them. 

After some maneuvering and what was likely a huge waste of time, he finally managed to separate them, letting go of the snake's hand and setting it down to rest by his head. 

Saeru stirred. 

_..._

He stayed perfectly still, sitting at the edge of the bed until the snake finally settled for just gripping at the edge of the pillow in front of his face.

He let out a sigh, staring in an almost dazed-like state at the wall just behind Saeru's head before he finally lifted his hand off the bed and turned away. Along the way, he threw the blanket he'd had to move clumsily back over the taller's sleeping form. He stepped over to the door, quietly but briskly. Hesitantly, he threw one last look over his shoulder. 

Even from here, he could still hear soft snores emanating from across the room.

He eventually managed to tear his gaze away, turning the handle in front of him before pushing himself through the door. Almost silently, he pulled it shut behind him.

Nobody else seemed to be awake. 

A sigh was let out.

That was good.

And it was then that the air was suddenly feeling just a b _it_ _too_ dense for him, as he quickly hurried through the apartment, shoulders stiff and hands clenched at his sides.

He just needed to get to the front door.

All of a sudden the blanketing silence in the room was growing heavier and _heavier,_ like it was weighing down on his shoulders. It didn't fit the thickness of the air or the sight of the darkness outside or the sound of the rain that was just _right there._

Just had to get out.

He almost wanted to slam the windows open and just throw himself out through there, but no, that was stupid. 

That was a stupid idea. 

Besides, the door was literally _rig_ _ht there._

He hastily tugged on his boots. It was almost hard to breathe. Finally, he got back up on his feet, almost throwing open and crashing through the front door only to remember that _wait,_ it was almost t _wo_ in the morning.

Ah, guess there wasn't gonna be any dramatic running out for him today.

He quietly turned the handle and pushed the door open, the tightness in his chest only seeming to get worse because for some reason he couldn't _stand it_ and it just felt so _wrong_ sticking around here any longer.

Finally, he stumbled through and pushed, almost slammed it behind him, only to flinch back as he felt something cold hit his face, right between his eyes.

He stared up only to remember that _oh right,_ it was raining. Should've been obvious enough, especially considering he'd been able to hear it from inside just moments ago.

Not that it was a problem for him, though. Even if he'd seen or heard that it would've been a downpour today, he wouldn't have even considered bringing an umbrella with him on his way out. If anything, the rain was only better. The rain was a nice distraction, usually. 

A few droplets fell and tapped his face.

He took a deep breath, before finally moving forward, walking in no particular direction as the rain splashed down on him.

... 

He slipped his hands into his jacket's pockets, closing his eyes....

Only to realize that they weren't there. There was that small spark of embarrassment and momentary stupidity as he stared at his hands hovering in thin air, only to spike in an immediate _panic_ as he realized _wait where the hell was his jacket_ because he _swore he'd brought it with him and that he was wearing it already-_

 _...Ah right._ Now he remembers.

He remembered carelessly tossing it onto the bed before he'd went- _tried_ to go to sleep. Of course, due to his own poor foresight and misguided, con _stantly_ flawed judgement, this only resulted in Saeru basically rolling over and on top of it, completely uncaring of his complaints. He remembered the snake simply burying his head defiantly into a pillow- _his_ pillow as he lazily whined for him to give it back. At least it was a good temporary distraction for the snake, before he ultimately decided to just hug _him_ instead.

Still though, might've been helpful to have it here with him. Kido might get pissed if he got another cold. 

Well, it couldn't be _that_ big of a problem though, right? Because in the end, him getting sick was just his loss anyway.

...And the loss of anyone who had to deal with a sour mooded, sick Kano who couldn't even use his Eyes properly. 

...Well. It was just what he had coming for him for being stupid, he supposed. And if anyone else got mad at him for it, he couldn't really blame them. 

Quite the opposite, in fact. It would be totally his fault and his only, as per usual.

Like with....

_with...._

It wasn't long before he was quickly reminded of that thought as another freezing drop of rain struck him right in the eye.

Yeah, he deserved that one.

He flinched as another hit him on the nose.

...

Now that he thought about it, why did he _really_ even decide to come out here in the first place? For something petty, of _course_ , but why _exactly?_ Maybe he really _was_ just tired of basically being Saeru's personal pillow like he always claimed after all. Or maybe it was just the simple fact that he couldn't sleep and was too dumb to make any further attempts to get any. 

Guess Seto was gonna have to deal with an irritated, pissed off, and half awake Kano who couldn't even keep his attention straight in the morning before he went to work.

_...Again._

Ah, he really wasn't helping _anyone_ by doing this was he? 

Especially considering how he already did this _a lot._

The cold drops, now starting to soak his hair, seemed to agree. 

Briefly, he considered just going back. Briefly, he considered collapsing back into his warm bed and sinking his face into the pillows, curling over against where Saeru was still sleeping, only to quickly remind himself that _no_ that was a stupid idea and _yes,_ the snake _really_ didn't need to be woken up by some cold pathetic weight barging in and occupying his space and _yes,_ he would _definitely_ mind because who wouldn't?

Especially if it was _him_ , of all people.

...It was still a tempting thought, though.

The thoughts of climbing and sinking back into his bed in a warm room almost broke his resolve. He could imagine the welcoming soft pillows waiting there... well, at least if Saeru hadn't stolen them all for himself by now already. Ah, he could just go back and then the snake would probably be right back to hugging him, then he could just abandon the looming potential for sickness and the cold rain out here for listening to it from the heated inside of the apartment....

and then what? Continue laying there, staring at the wall?

And what if Saeru got pissed, or was already awake to question why the _hell_ he actually came back to disturb him?

He trudged on instead, staring dead ahead, making sure to keep those ideas firmly in place before he tried running back and making himself look like any more of an idiot. At least if he stayed out here he could just wait off the rain and any sickness he might catch somewhere else. Meanwhile, if he went back to the hideout, he'd just be stuck in there to wither in shame and hopefully die from it too, before he made any other mistakes. 

...

And if he died out here instead?

Well, as unfortunately unlikely as that would be, at least then Kido wouldn't have to deal with the outcomes of his own stupid decisions, Seto wouldn't have to put up with his irritably immature and downright _disgusting self_ and Saeru wouldn't have to tolerate his horrible fronts anymore.

 _Ah, yes,_ he could go hide himself somewhere where _nobody_ would be able to find him and just let nature do its work. Maybe he could even shuffle his appearance with his Eyes, just to ensure that he could never be identified or discovered again.

But _no,_ the chances of him dying from just standing out here in the rain and nothing else were next to nothing and he was already being too hopeful for just thinking about it. 

...

The thoughts sat awkwardly and uncomfortably in his mind as he went on, focusing _hard_ now on the droplets hitting the ground at his feet and against his face. 

...

Ah, rainy days were really nice. 

...A jacket would've been nice too, though. 

_Maybe he could go back for i-_

But _n_ o, it wasn't actually _that_ big of a deal. He could take the cold, and besides, the relentless battering of the rain was... nice in a way.

And Saeru was still there with his jacket.

Plus, he didn't want to waste this nice opportunity he had now. It was likely he'd have the streets mostly to himself for today, especially considering that it was late in the night _and_ it was raining fairly harshly now. He could walk almost worry free of the shady people that sometimes hung out in the alleyways, or all the busy people usually occupying the streets, or anyone else for that matter. 

Because out here, he was all alone.

Ah, he could do this for hours.... 

Maybe even longer.

Hell, maybe even days! 

Maybe a few days away would be nice for them. 

_Them...._

They must be so sick of him.

He had to admit, he'd been pushing it too hard lately. His Eyes, the personalities, all the existential problems and such. It was probably only a matter of time before he started cracking again, and then being around him would just be more of a living hell than it already was. 

...And God knows why Saeru thought staying with him was a good idea.

Especially since he always had to be there to see the _worst_ of him.

Guess if it wasn't him, someone else would be forced to. 

Heh.

Maybe that's why he ended up passing out? Because he was just getting so _tired of it already_ like he was? It was likely. Especially for a guy who never slept, because he "didn't need to", as he'd said multiple times. 

That and "I have better things to do  
with my time, and bigger priorities to deal with than sleep."

But that was besides the point.

Point was things were getting a little out of hand, and his priorities may or may not be slipping between his fingers _just a bit._

Just enough to the point where he couldn't sleep or stand trying without giving up partway through to go waste away in the rain, apparently. He gave an inward sigh at that disgusting _feeling_ returned. The kind that came whenever he lied about himself for the hundredth time, or someone _actually_ believed his poorly pieced together smile, or even worse, that crooked half-sneer he seemed to have when he just couldn't quite hold himself together, or even better, that feeling he had when he looked at his face in the mirror and realized over and over again how he'd likely shattered any trust anybody had about something that wasn't a lie from him until he was feeling overwhelmed and sick and _God make it stop-_

It was like something inside him was _sinking._ Yeah, that was probably an easier way to put it. And this time, that feeling was returning with vengeance, dragging him down until he was considering just dropping himself still on the road and laying there until he fell asleep.

Or got run over.

Or both. 

_God, just stop it already...._

He forced his feet forward, keeping his chin up, despite the rain and the overall fact that there was really nothing to look at out here other than a few lit buildings. It only made the journey more tiring than it already was.

Still though, he felt like he could walk for _weeks._

....

...Ah, this wasn't even really a journey at all. It was just some pitiful escape to get away from everyone else for a while. 

That "journey" he was taking because he couldn't really do anything.

Or help anyone.

Instead of doing either of those, he was just selfishly taking what was surely just someone else's _pity_ on him and running with it when he suddenly felt too lost to be able to comprehend it. Rather than try to understand anything, he was simply walking here, hiding away in a city's rhythm that really only existed in his own head just so he could try to hold on to what little he could still bear to even try to accept in an attempt to feel better about himself. 

Ah, you're such a coward,

Thankfully those constant words from the snake never seemed to stick with him for too long, otherwise he wouldn't be like this now.

It's really been such a long time since he's had one of these kinds of days, since the snake arrived.

His hands were clutching at the cloth of the inside of his pockets now, like they were desperate to latch onto anything they could for dear life.

Sure reminded him of something.

Just out of curiosity, he raised a hand to examine it. 

Haha, he was actually shaking kinda bad. 

It was just enough to be what he'd call Kido-detectable, not that it was a problem, since nobody, much less Kido was even here.

It was just him out here.

The thought settled on him once again as droplets fell down onto his palm and gathered in groups, forming miniature puddles on his hand.

That was the whole point of coming out here, right? For him to be alone.

Right?

Of course.

He grimaced, stuffing his hands back in his pockets as he trudged on with a steely look ahead. 

Well, that entire purpose would be defeated if they just went off searching for him, wouldn't it? 

But what if they didn't even try to search in the first place? 

What if they didn't even bother looking for him?

Well, then he'd just go back on his own. 

But how long was he even planning to stay out here? 

...He didn't know.

Maybe he shoulda left a note on the counter or the table or something, something to tell them that _yes_ he was out again and _no_ they didn't need to look for him and _no_ he wouldn't go missing or get murdered in an alley where no one would find him. 

...Ah, nevermind that last one.

He quickly scolded himself, reminding himself that he wasn't supposed to say "those kinds of things" anymore. They scared Mary too much, sometimes to the point where she'd basically latch onto him and beg him not to go outside if he even so much as looked at the door for too long.

Didn't mean it still couldn't happen though, unfortunately for her.

...

And what, exactly, would happen if that kind of thing _did_ happen to him? 

What was he even going to do, take it? Try to defend himself? 

He'd already thought about this countless times, maybe too many times before, yet he still didn't know the answer.

Well, guess he would find out soon enough, huh?

....

_Soon enough._

That feeling from before was getting stronger now, this time accompanied with a tightening feeling in his chest and his throat. it was only getting _worse_ and _worse_ and this time it was getting almost impossibly hard to focus and he felt disoriented until he was left only able to piece together thoughts that he could only really hope were coherent. His shoulders were tensing unwillingly, his face contorting and that _annoying god damn stinging in his eyes_ as droplets pelted down on him in a torrent that _wouldn't stop_ , leaving him to clutch at his arms for warmth as he searched around for somewhere to rest or pass out or fall asleep or _something._

_But he didn't want that to....._

Doesn't matter. It wasn't like he had a say in the matter, or a way to stop it at all anyway because of _course_ there was nothing _he_ could possibly ever do, but still....

He saw the entrance to an alleyway tucked between two buildings. 

It was getting to a nearly unbearable point where he was gritting his teeth and feeling that _horrible_ stinging in his eyes again.He wanted it to _stop_ , for him to be able to fix his own body language but at this point, he couldn't control it in any way other than with his Eyes, and that only made the feeling worse, with how he managed to know (or at least thought he knew) so _much_ and was still able to do so little to the point he was literally doing _nothing,_ despite any and all progress he might've been brought to believe he'd made with.... 

_With_ who?

_....._

He stumbled towards the alleyway on unsteady feet, in some attempt to find some cover over the now relentless beating rain, but apparently any plans to actually seek out such a shelter were completely abandoned before he could even start looking. Just as he should've predicted. His weak legs gave away right when he stepped between the brick walls, leaving him to collapse pitifully against one of them with a harsh exhale, even more water splashing up to meet his face as his palms slammed down on the concrete. A heaviness was seeping through his limbs now, making his arms shake under him and forcing him to drag up his legs with him like dead weight. 

Another shaky breath left him as he dragged his feet up to hug his legs to his chest. He dropped his head down to rest it in his arms, feeling violent drops of rain striking against the top of his head as a sick feeling started to run through him.

_He couldn't take this._

The feeling was dragging him down and _down_ even further until he felt like he was stuck to the concrete and the wall he was curled up against. 

At least if the others had to go out searching for him he'd be easy to find.... 

Actually, he wasn't sure if that was for better or for worse.

He grimaced at himself as his body instinctively shied away from the opening to the street, curling just a bit more into the alley just from the mere thought of being found. Maybe he should've dragged himself just a bit further down through the alley, maybe got himself lost somewhere else so even he didn't know where he was. 

He really should've done that. 

Oh well, it wasn't like there was anything he could do about it now, huh?

Just like with everything else.

The heavy rain was beating down _hard_ on him now, as tears that really _didn't_ have any reason to be there began forming and stinging at the corners of his eyes. He choked them back, his voice letting out small, raw and disgustingly pitiful sounds as he flinched back against the droplets striking his face. He was pretty sure he was just sitting in a puddle of it now, letting it pool at his feet to soak the ends of his jacket and flood his boots and ruin his socks. 

Then there was something moving at the corner of his eye, and he raised his head up just a bit only to see that no, there actually _wasn't_ anything there and it was just the light from the window above him finally turning off. Icy water was striking his face now, prompting him to bury it back in his arms, only for something else to catch his eye in front of him.

Through stinging eyes and blurred vision partially obstructed by the rain, he was just barely able to make out a figure, standing before the entrance of the alley. By now, the tears, or maybe just the rain, was messing up his vision to the point where he couldn't even put a proper shape to the figure. Dimly, he was able to register that it was now shifting- no, _moving_ , and it was growing _closer_ to where he was, curled up and utterly _defenseless_ against the wall.

He already knew it was a person approaching him.

He wanted them to walk right past him and ignore him, leaving him to stay here by himself.

He wanted to run from them and hide away until they were gone.

He wanted to stay here and see if they would find him.

The blurry form of a person stood still, right in front of him. 

And it was only then that he became aware of how he was staring right up at them, probably looking miserable and small.

The other remained still. 

Ah, he must be such an _unfortunate_ sight. 

The hidden (or was it still even hidden?) grimace on his face only grew as he imagined his own weak-looking, pitiful, and completely _drenched_ self, before he forcefully tore his attention away from... _that_ and back to the other problem before him.

His gaze was dragged back up to the face staring back down at him.

Somewhere in the midst of all the blurring together shadows and the rain, he saw red.

He saw that blurry figure reach out and draw _closer_ and then _even closer_ and despite himself he flinched away, his back slamming against the wall behind him as he instinctively pressed himself up against the building. The tears gathering in his wide eyes obstructed too much of his vision to the point where all he could see was some dark mass in front of him. He doesn't know how they hadn't fallen yet but he didn't want to blink them out of his eyes either and _God dammit_ he didn't even know if it was because he didn't want to admit that he was actually crying or if it was because he _really_ thought that he was hiding anything still by holding them in. 

_Ah, what a mess._

He tried searching around for somewhere around the figure, probably just to run away again- 

_Of course._

_Running off again as always._

-but the street around him was too blurred for him to be able to see, and even if he did manage to escape it's likely he'd just end up finding some idiotic way to _screw this all up_ so in the end he was just _trapped here and-_

"Shuuya-" he heard _something_ call out. 

There was suddenly a rough grip on his shoulders, but before he could even think about it for a second longer or wonder _who the hell was out here this late out_ or _why he was being grabbed_ or even _who was this_ he was yanked up and forwards to meet red eyes, searching him with an expression that he couldn't quite place. 

He didn't know when, but somewhere in the midst of that, in between the time that he was on the ground and the time it took him to get back up on his feet, he'd managed to pull himself together through with a smile. And with that smile, he was met with a disappointed red gaze. Ah, of course, how could he have failed to recognize him from the start? 

_Saeru._

"Ah, was I out for too long again?" he drew out, laughing at the droplets pelting him in the face. His voice pieced itself together so easily and smoothly it felt almost surreal to listen to. "Sorry about that! Living heat lamp's got priorities, you know?" 

"Heat lamp?" the taller scoffed. He almost faltered at the other's unamused face. "Don't be ridiculous. It's not like I _require_ you in order to survive." 

He chuckled and shrugged at the small, bitter, stinging feeling in him. "Of course no-" 

"Shuuya, how long have you been out here?" the snake cut in, still with his hands on his shoulders. 

"No idea," he answered breezily, gazing off to the side and tilting his head slightly, away from the snake. "Probably not that long. Even if it was, it wouldn't be a big deal. I've been able to stay out for days before, you know! But if I _really_ have to head back then...."

"Let's just go then," at this point he couldn't tell if the other was being impatient, disappointed, unamused, or just tired because he'd probably woken him up _and well, who wouldn't be tired of this by now?_ "I brought your jacket with me on my way here as well, since you... _forgot_."

The jacket was nonchalantly tossed in his direction, and he caught it with ease, making no move to actually put it on. Next to him, Saeru turned away to head back to the apartment, throwing a look behind him to make sure that he was actually following.

He managed to keep hold of an easygoing grin on his face as he followed behind, despite all the bitterness sitting patiently on his shoulders. The cold water was starting to flood his boots now, soaking his socks and making his feet chilly. He shivered as he realized that the rain had long soaked into his clothes now, stabbing him with the cold and soaking his hair until he was just left frustrated by it, even more so as it continued to beat down on him. 

He was pretty sure he was just glaring at the ground at this point. 

At some point Saeru ended up just waiting for him from up ahead, until he was finally caught up so he could shield him under his arm from most of the rain but _why_

_why did it still feel like his feet were sinking and merging into the asphalt the longer he walked on, like he was being pulled down, as like the ground was trying to knock him down and drag him under?_

He could _feel_ as his expression crumpled, his hands gripping and fingernails digging into his own arms again as the rain continued to hit them relentlessly. 

"Shuuya, you could've at least told me when you were going out" the snake said. "I got rather worried when I didn't see you back home."

_Home...._

"Oh yeah, did I wake you up? Sorry about that," he let out a small embarrassed laugh. 

"I woke up on my own terms," Saeru quickly clarified. "But your absence _was..._ troubling." 

"Right, wouldn't want to send you and everyone else on a search party looking for me, right? I'll make sure to let you know next time, just in case!" 

"Do you really plan on running away again?" he could see the taller's eyes trained on him now. 

He couldn't bring himself to face it. 

He opened his mouth to speak but his voice caught in his throat almost immediately. 

Excuses were already piling up and filling him.

_Well, aren't I always?_

_Oh you know, it's just me getting some fresh air!_

_Like always._

_I really don't want to._

_It's just a simple walk, it couldn't hurt anybody!_

_I... don't know._

_What? You're not used to it by now?  
_

"Heh, well, you know me!" he beamed, but as he said it his voice jumped way too high in pitch and he almost wanted to trip himself just for managing to _screw_ _that_ _up_. Instead, he forced his gaze ahead, just slightly off to the side. "Always going out. It's just my thing." 

"But," there was a slight hesitance between the both of them now. "You don't really have to. There's no reason for you to need to."

More responses. 

More excuses.

_Oh, come on!  
Just look on the bright side! At least then you'd have the room to yourself for a while._

_It's not really a "need" thing...._

_It's just a habit!_

By now he wasn't even sure what was right.

_Aww, why, are you worried about me?_

"Well of course I was," Saeru scoffed. 

Ah, and of _course_ he'd said _that one_ out loud. 

"Hm?" no big deal, he was able to handle this one easily. "You sure? Because it'd be pretty weird if you were."

"Why wouldn't I be?" 

He snorted. "Because I've done this a hundred times already? And I'm sure all the 'other me's' have too. I remember one time you said that one of them-" 

"Shuuya, you know that wasn't what you meant," the snake cut in. 

"And I know you didn't really mean _that_ either," he rolled his eyes, before quickly catching his mistake and _God dammit he was messing this up again._

Doesn't mean he didn't stand by what he said though.

"And how can you be so sure about that?" he sideglanced at the other to see narrowed red eyes gazing down at him. 

This was usually supposed to be the part where the other would just repeat what he said before, where he'd just keep saying the same thing as if that would make whatever he said mean anything to him, but it appears this time things wouldn't be so... _simple_.

_Then again, when did he ever even try to make these kinds of things simple?_

"I mean, I just can't see why," he looked away, only to flinch back as a drop of rain struck his nose. "Nobody else's concerned about it, but here you are! You sure you're not the odd one out here? I think you're just overthinking it."

"I'm sure you already know the others are worried as well," Saeru said. "Even that boy you hate so much gets concerned over you at times."

_Don't talk about him._

Hearing about Shintaro and what he did ~~or didn't do~~ was about the _last_ thing he needed on his mind right now.

" _Listen,"_ his tone was too sharp now, and he quickly had to correct it before he screwed up again. "I don't know what this whole 'worry' narrative is about, but whatever it is, I think it's just you overthinking everything again." 

_Fuck he was repeating himself._

"More than usual, that is."

That was a little better.

But not enough to fool the snake. 

"As if you give me any reason not to be."

"What was that?"

A grin was stretched across his face now as he gazed back up at the other, appearing unfazed and unfaltering. 

"Shuuya you know what I'm referring to."

"Nope!

Care to enlighten me?"

He shouldn't have said that. 

_Fuck he screwed up._

They both stopped right there, right in the middle of the heavy rain in front of some nondescript building. Saeru gazed down at him for a while, then a little longer and even then some before he finally just sighed.

He knew that sad excuse for a smile was still on his face as Saeru turned to him, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Shuuya," Saeru gripped his shoulders again, staring him straight in the eyes. "You look terrible." 

"Huh?" 

"I mean, it's clear that you've been troubled by something, and it's getting... worrisome," his response only made frustration bubble up inside him once more. 

Guess he should've known. Putting the masks on at full force never really worked anyway. 

"Maybe, sure, but aren't I always?" he shrugged, and he didn't know whether to sneer or laugh. He ended up doing some awkward in between that made him feel off. "Really, I don't think it's good for you to be worrying about the same thing constantly! So don't worry about it. It's _fi-"_

"You could at least tell me," Saeru muttered, and this time he really couldn't tell what the other was feeling. Or he just couldn't understand, as always. It was either or. "It's already what you do anyways, what makes it so hard now?" 

He resisted the urge to draw back. He could hear it, that edge of annoyance in the snake's voice and _God he hates you_ and he could tell that this was getting dangerous. 

What was the danger?

He wasn't even sure.

"W-Well," he wanted to claw at his own face at the stutter. "You just wouldn't get it, y'know? It's complicated stuff!" 

"That never stopped you from telling me anything before," Saeru grimaced, and he could feel himself shrinking under it because _dammit something about this just felt awful and he felt like he was growing worse the longer this dragged on and he couldn't tell if he wanted Saeru to leave or just shut up already-_

"Listen, it just doesn't matter, alri-" 

"You don't need to make excuses, Shuuya," the snake's tone somehow grew patient and almost soft (well, as soft as Saeru could be) again but somehow it just strengthened that urge to tear away from the other and run again.

_Come on just say it already._

"It's just-" 

He stupidly cut himself off.

"It's-"

_Just say it._

_"Do-"_

His voice cracked and at that point he could hardly even hold himself together or keep himself standing _dammit why couldn't he just run away._

_Just tell me already._

" _Do you...."_

Saeru waited silently, patiently, gazing at him. At this point he couldn't even decide between shoving him away or clinging onto him for dear life.

"..." 

He pressed his lips together as a choked whimper forced it's way out of his throat. He was drowning in his own weakness. 

_Please just say it for yourself already._

_"Shuuya...."_

He could hardly stand even that slightly disappointed tone lacing the snake's words. 

_Please...._

The other remained silent as he forced back more whimpers, more stifled sobs, fought that disgusting tightening feeling in his throat and that stinging sensation in his eyes. The snake ducked down and wrapped his arms around him and he couldn't even see his face anymore since it was against his shoulder now. 

Saeru kept waiting.

And it was killing him.

_Stop it...._

He forced himself to take a breath, but when he exhaled it was all wrong and it was shaky and laced with a bit of his awful voice and a trace of his pathetic sobs.

He felt the urge to scream it out, to yell it against the snake's shirt until his throat was sore and he couldn't even speak anymore so he couldn't respond to anything Saeru had to say about him afterwards or make a fool of himself any longer.

_Just say it_

_"You hate me, right?"_

His horrid voice was forcefully choked out as nothing more than a small, tearful whimper.

He wanted to go on. List out a thousand reasons, _every_ reason why the snake should and probably did but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to bring those reasons into light even though he _definitely deserved for them to be and-_

"But I can't hate you, Shuuya...." Saeru muttered, and it would've been drowned away from the rain if it weren't for the fact that it was right against his ear. He didn't even realize that the other had pulled up his jacket, wrapping it securely around him.

_Just say it.... please....._

"Shuuya, you realize that, right?" Saeru was holding him steady- well, as steady as he could be, and he could feel as his jacket was wrapped tighter around his back. 

He didn't know why he was shaking, or why he couldn't stop, _God why was he still shaking-_

" _Shuuya_ ," Saeru leaned down just a little further, wrapped his arms even tighter around him. "Do you believe me?" 

His breath hitched pitifully. 

...

"..."

_"I don't know."_

_What an unfortunate sight._

He had to be lying. 

It was too hard to try and think about it in any way otherwise.

Trying to understand it was like trying to hold water, or even the rain, between his fingers, and right when he thought he finally got it it slipped away again because 

no that could never be true 

and

no that could never be right

but Saeru was still gripping onto him tightly, as if clinging onto him like he'd fall apart if he weren't there to keep him together.

And the feeling was almost familiar from... somewhere

but then the snake started _talking again_

and at this point he wasn't even sure why he was still even trying to understand this again 

because 

"Shuuya, you know I...."

he'd just end up doubting his way out of it again

until he had to be reminded

"..."

again 

"Why, then, would I be returning to you through each timeline?"

and again

"If what I'd told you was a lie then I wouldn't be worried about you now, right?" 

and again 

"You already know I'm concerned over you, even if i may not even need to be."

and again

"Even if you seem to... forget that often."

...

"Because....."

until all that was left were the same painfully familiar words he had already heard many- way too many times before. 

"...Surely you understand that, right Shuuya?" 

_no_

_No, he didn't understand._

_Heh. When did he ever understand?_

His breath hitched again. And then his voice caught in his throat and then his breathing was shaky again until sobs were climbing their way out of his throat. He felt the tears gathering in his eyes only grow larger until they finally fell, sliding down his face in large droplets with the rain as he clung to the snake way too tightly. 

_He didn't get this at all._

He tried to will himself to let go, because there's no way anybody would ever need or want to see this useless, unnecessary part of him but the snake just kept clinging tightly onto him, shielding him against the rain. 

He was freezing cold, he was shivering, and it was almost downright _pitiful_ how much he was shaking despite how much he tried to control it and how much he tried to force his mind into actually _doing it_. There were droplets running down his face and rain drops dripping from his soaked hair and seeping right into his clothes and flooding his boots but the snake chose to keep him close anyway, trying to keep him warm and draping his jacket over his head so that the rain wouldn't beat down on him as hard anymore. 

There wasn't anything he could say. He could try uselessly stuttering and hesitating and starting only to stop as much as he wanted but without his Eyes he really couldn't see what there was to say, what he could use to try and justify this awful display. 

....But the snake didn't seem to care. He was still out here instead of back inside, stooping down to his level with him. 

Actually no, that was probably a bit extreme. 

Another choked noise bubbled out of his throat. 

He was just getting rain soaked, that was all. 

Ah, and of course he had to deal with this mess, too. 

And he still had to deal with him. 

Like always?

Like now. 

And he....

...

he....

_"Shuuya...."_

The snake was basically squeezing him now, and he was pretty sure his own hands and nails were digging- no, _clawing_ into the taller's back. He pursed his lips together, trying to choke down his sobs and stuff them away.

"Shuuya... let's just go home," Saeru finally muttered, pulling away while still maintaining a grip on his arms. 

Once again he tried to manage words, only managing a nod and a small, bitter "...Okay," that was most likely drowned away by the rain. 

He slipped on his jacket, tugging the hood hard over his face as Saeru kept a steady hold on his hand, leading him away. 

Nothing else was said as they went back. It was just the sounds of the steadying rain and the splashes of water as he trudged through puddles, staring blankly down at them with just a trace off an off feeling that he couldn't get rid off. 

He clung tightly to Saeru's hand, squeezing that small bit of warmth in his grip.

The droplets falling down on his head were no longer beating down on him, instead, they were evened out and steady now, like empty static. 

His breath caught in his throat again as he sniffled, probably also washed out by the rain. 

Saeru glanced back briefly, before slowing his pace forward slightly. He focused on the snake's grip, staring at their hands locked together instead of the scattering droplets hitting against the ground. 

...

..And that's what finally shattered him. 

He thought it was over. 

But ah, of course, he was sorely mistake.

Instead, he was holding Saeru back, and he saw the snake's eyes widen just a bit as he stood there, his own eyes wide as he stared at their hands before he completely and utterly crumbled. 

He didn't even know what he was crying for anymore, only that the snake was there even before cries were ripping their way out of his throat and hot tears were streaming endlessly down his face. Shaking, _God why were they_ still _shaking,_ hands reached up and latched onto the snake's clothes before he could think any better of it or at least remind himself that he _really shouldn't be doing this_ and _he didn't have any right to be in this disgusting state he was in now._

In response, Saeru reached over, only this time it was to hold his hand and wrap his other arm arm across his shoulder to support his head. He could feel the other duck his head down and press his face against the side of his head, even through all the pathetic trembling and all the sobs his body was wracked with. 

Fresh tears were dripping off his chin now, probably soaking into the other's clothes but all the other did about it was squeeze his hand tighter until it was what grounded him, keeping him in place despite all his fumbling and tripping on his own breathing and those raw, awful noises edged with loneliness that he hated, _despised so much._

It felt draining, unfamiliar. It was something he hadn't done in a while and it was even _worse now_ that someone else was trapped here to _witness it_ and it _reminded him so much_ of his younger, crying self that he was pretty sure his wails were _turning into screams and-_

"Shuuya, _breathe...._ " the snake's voice was unsurprisingly calm and collected but something in him just _twisted more_ about how _unbothered he sounded_ with this and how he somehow wasn't irritated at all by him just _being alive right now._

" _Saeru...."_ he wanted to claw away at his own throat, his sobs were mixing in with the words and they were getting warped and cut off as he tried to speak. " _Why...."_

He'd hardly said anything yet but he was already _terrified._

_Why don't you hate me?_

_Why do you still want me around?_

_Why can't you see how utterly_ useless _I actually am?_

_"Do you even really love me?"_

Right as he said it he instinctively flinched away, tried to jerk back and force himself to let go of the snake's hand but the other was rooting him in place. 

His shaking was getting worse now. His chest was heaving and he had to squeeze his eyes shut as he waited for an answer he knew he never wanted to hear.

_"Shuuya, I... do love you."_

He was going to protest, he was going to convince himself otherwise, he was going to laugh again and say "It's a lie!" before running away when nobody was looking but then Saeru pulled him closer and he felt like he couldn't do anything all over again. 

A strange feeling was running through him again, only this time it wasn't disorienting him to death or leaving him utterly terrified and helpless. He still couldn't understand it, but somehow the fact that he couldn't wasn't scaring him. 

He forced more jumbled words out of his mouth before he could force himself to stop them from coming out. 

_"Haha..._ _I think I need you to repeat that.... I didn't quite get it the first time,"_ he was asking too much of him, he knew.

It's just... he needed....

...

"..." 

He was asking... for... way too... much....

There was a sigh, then a low murmur against his ear. 

"If you say so, I...." 

...

His whimpers and cries had already died down long before Saeru had said it for the fifteenth time.

_..._

At some point, after all the tears and messy wails he was walking through the apartment's door. Well, it was less of a "walk" and more of a pathetic stumble through the entrance that was supposed to imitate walking. 

Ah, he was gonna get the floor wet. 

He kicked his boots off, cursing quietly as they hit somewhat loudly against the wall, right by where Saeru was closing the door. It finally seemed to register in his mind that he was _home_. He was home and it was warm and the rain and the cold it brought with it was shut away to the outside, leaving it little more than a sound to buzz at the back of his thoughts. 

And the thought made him beyond tired. 

How long had he been walking out there? 

Well, it was well past the point where he could remember now. 

He just knew that, no matter how long it had been, it was a stupid idea. 

His stupid idea.

With a slight groan he dragged his feet, until he finally let himself collapse into the nearest couch. Another small noise, this one more of irritation, escaped him as he rested his head on the flat surface of the bottom. 

_Some pillows of a blanket would've been nice._

Ah, but that was just him being picky again. 

He forced his eyes closed still feeling the seeping cold of his soaked shirt and jeans. He'd just have to deal with it. By this point, he would probably pass out before he'd manage to drag himself even half of the way to his room. 

There were light footsteps, then some shifting noises, then he could feel another weight press down on the couch next to him. He opened his eyes as the snake laid down, just as rain soaked as him. 

As always, the other pulled him closer. Only, this time, his forehead was pressed against the taller's chest as he curled against him, still shaking.

He was still cold. He was still shivering and he was still clutching his arms like he was going to dig his fingers in and tear himself apart but Saeru still chose to lay there with him, curling around him and holding him like he still needed to be sheltered from the rain, which by now was nothing more than a noise outside. 

Without a word, he reached over to grip onto Saeru's hands again. The snake welcomed his shaking form and his faltering grip, not mentioning a word about it.

 _Please don't let go,_ he wanted to say, but something inside him told him he didn't have to.

...

His thoughts drifted to the rain again as he latched only tighter onto the other. It was striking the windows as if it wanted to break through the glass.

Haha, he was probably never going to get this, was he? 

The thought hit him again as arms rested securely against his back, and this time he had to swallow hard and choke back another unsteady breath. 

He couldn't understand why the snake was like this.

Maybe there was something he'd missed from another timeline or whatever. 

Maybe Saeru was just thinking about another version of him instead. 

He felt a hand run through his hair, pressing his face closer against Saeru while loose strands stuck to his forehead were pushed out of the way. He closed his eyes, focusing on the warmth of the room- or the snake, he couldn't really tell. He focused on the snake's steady heartbeat. The hand now rested against the back of his head, in rain soaked hair that was no doubt dripping water onto the couch and the one interlocked with his. He could hear the occasional sound of water hitting against the surface of the couch by his head. He focused on that too. 

Actually... he wasn't even sure anymore. It could be him, could be any other version of him, but still....

_"...you..."_

There was still the thrum against glass from the outside, but the sound was quickly drowned out as he listened to and felt the snake's breathing accompanying his. 

Silently, he continued to think about just those, and then just Saeru, until it was only his hands, which were balled up into fists against his chest, that were shaking now. He gave out a drawn out, soft sigh. Saeru gave a low hum in response, shifting until he could feel the other's chin and neck against his head. 

Ah.... 

That's all that happened for a long time. A long time until the snake's breathing evened and there were slight, soft snores accompanying them. He was still being held though, a bit tightly at that, but he wasn't complaining. 

Well, it wasn't like he really _could_ complain. 

He didn't have any reason to. 

Right? 

He closed his eyes. 

Ah, it must be so late by now. 

There were light noises of dying rain outside. By now the previous torrent had been replaced to even less than a drizzle. Now it was little more than the occasional drops of water hitting against previously formed puddles outside, in an uneven and unsteady rhythm. 

It was only barely drowned out by the snores, light as they were. 

He was kinda sleepy now. 

Subconsciously he wrapped his free arm around Saeru's back, effectively pulling himself closer, until he feel the other's heartbeat better than his own. 

...

...

_4:08 AM_

It was hardly past four when he was finally lulled to sleep, his own breaths evening out with the snake's. 

...

\- - - 

...

When he woke up, there was sunlight filtering through the windows and falling onto him. It was falling onto him, onto the couch, onto....

....Ah. 

With a small glance up he could see Saeru, awake and gazing down at him. He'd been waiting for him to wake up. He gave out a yawn, his mind finally registering a hand playing with his hair. 

"...Morning," he mumbled. 

"Morning, Shuuya," the snake said back breezily, in an easy tone. "Were you able to sleep well?" 

He gave back a smile that was almost bitter, but more relieved than anything, then he gave out a small laugh. 

"Nope. Not for a long time," his words were long and drawn out. "Wanna know why?"

"I already know," Saeru quickly said back. 

"Of course, because you snore to loudly, obviously," a small grin, just short of a smirk made its way to his face. 

The snake rolled his eyes with a slight snort, finally pulling away to sit up on the couch. 

"Just go get some new clothes," the taller said. "You were sitting there by a dumpster for who knows how long." 

He laughed again, sitting up and stretching with a satisfied noise. 

"Fine, fine," he replied, before standing up. "Ah, also, you should really take a shower." 

He flicked idly at the other's braid. 

"And why's that?" 

"Your hair's a mess," he muttered, before shrugging. "And we all know how 'proper' everything has to be for you!" 

"You're quite a mess yourself, Shuuya," Saeru commented nonchalantly. "Not that it's an issue, though." 

He smiled almost idiotically, and he was pretty sure he still was for a while, even longer after the point where he'd finally closed the door to the bathroom behind him. 

_August 16, 9:47 PM_

**Author's Note:**

> I somehow actually don't know what to put or say here. Uh, so first of all, this isn't supposed to be a Christmas fic pffffft. It's just I took so long on this that it ended up not being finished until December.... 24.... *sigh*
> 
> Anyways yeah I've been dead for a long time, sorry for the lack of content :')) (I've been so motivation deprived help me) ((Hopefully I won't take so long in whatever the next thing I post is-))
> 
> Anyways it's late as HELL and I rushed proofreading this to death (hopefully there's not too many errors left) so farewell for now- (pls leave comments they give the serotonin)


End file.
